its beginning to feel a lot like advent...

I have always, and most likely will always, be a great fan of Advent. Something about the purple and pink candle wreath, the promise of a baby and enticing aspects of the evergreen smell mixed with various foods leaves me in anticipation.

Perhaps it is because it is a mini-"lent" of sorts, but more than that, I find myself longing for that story of a woman blessed with a baby, despite what the world may (and most likely did) say.

Now, I will not lie. One of the things that most greatly shaped my understanding of God was when I realized at a young age that Mary was quickly becoming an incredibly young unwed mother. It wasn't that the baby was unexpected, but that an angel of God came and told her, and that angel passed on the information in a conversation and that I in my youthful time wanted an angel to talk with me.

Then the fear sunk in as I became a "woman" and like many do, missed periods despite my virginity. The fear became ever overwhelming especially when I would feel nauseated, and I could swear I had all the symptoms of a pregnant woman. I was 14. A virgin, and pretty sure that in my life of music I could have easily missed the angel telling me I would bring the second coming of Jesus.

I showed so much fear that at points, I would feel I was being too good, going down as this loving young lady that I had to act out. Usually it involved smacking my brother in public, or calling a sister a mean name. I wanted to make sure God knew what a sinner I was--just so God and I were clear on what an improper vessel I would be for the second coming.

It may seem irrational, but it wasn't until dating my fiance that the fear of getting pregnant because of God really ever subsided. I could have never made it through a single pregnancy with anything less than a holy child however, simply because of the irrational amount of stress I stomached in the worrying of God's choice in motherhood.

So anyways, I love advent. It is a time centered around this young woman who took on a faith that I couldn't. She loved a God who placed her in an awkward situation, and followed that God as the obedient servant. I so wish I had that faith.

The thing that makes it even more enthralling is this: in the Roman history, at the time Mary is told she will have a baby by God and he would be called the "Son of God" when the empire was referring to Ceasar Augustus/Octavius as the son of God. She was giving birth to a child that would be called the King of the Jews, despite that King Herod at the time held the title. The controversy that surrounds her amazes me. And more than that, her strength and courage.

She was young, engaged to a man who knew he would be called a mocked for the obvious adultery his bride committed. She was faithful though--through the end.

I hope I have that faith, someday, enough to trust that God who makes all things beautiful and to God's liking. I pray you do as well.

Merry Advent everyone.

It's been a while

Years ago...literally about a year ago, I stumbled upon the opportunity to learn about internet posting. The first being that if someone wants to, they will twist your words any way they can.

The second, and perhaps greater learning is that my voice, despite other's wishes, will not be silenced to the things I learn and develop--intellectually, spiritually or otherwise. I have grown in some ways from that experience, but I would not say "grown up" so much as "grown aware" of how people will respond in situations and how the best in people sometimes does not show through.

In the end, I am happy to begin writing here again. As this blog was always intended to be about the theological development of an intellectually questioning mind, I plan to keep it very much the same. However, one small change has been made:

1) I no longer work at an Episcopal USA school, instead I have veered the direction of a Catholic school.
2) This Catholic school is also Marianist, posing much thought and discussion as I encounter a different look to the common Catholic teachings, and the emphasis of community is incredibly present.
3) I am now working to build a marriage (I get married in April, and I have no intention of planning the wedding so much as preparing for the marriage,) so this changes my social outlook quite a lot.
4) I have taken the torch of teahcing, or as Dr. Namsoon Kang has previously called it: "intellectual ministry."
5) I am no longer in school being forced to read massive volumes of information in small time frames, but rather spend most of my time seeking the God in daily--and in mass media, for surely the God who created the world has some hand in how it continues to work (afterall, I am certainly not deist.)